Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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