I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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