Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize