I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
