theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
