Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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