the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
