Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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