if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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