I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
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