After last night, I could never be a politician.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
