I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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