gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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