I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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