Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I understand Curling. That high.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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