I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
