it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
