Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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