can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
