I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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