bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
