My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
