so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
