hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
