Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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