I bet he comes in French.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
