I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
