i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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