i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
