I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize