if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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