I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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