i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
