i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
even my farts smell like vagina
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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