How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize