Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
