WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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