Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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