Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
