My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
