Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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