if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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