Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm lost and stupid without you.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
