These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
