I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize
