Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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