so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
