I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize