Just took my morning after pill in the library
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
