your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
