the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize