if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
