PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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