the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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