What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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