walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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