I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
