6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
