Cold hands, warm shart.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
