if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
