we're chasing vodka with high fives
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
