Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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