dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
