I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
