I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
