You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
We named our party play list daddy issues
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
