Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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